PITTSBURGH - It's that time again, when credit cards smolder from overuse, and the precious little ones fall asleep dreaming of $100 gift cards and phone plans with unlimited texting.
Traditions endure. That includes the annual holiday songs, twisted to salute Pittsburgh sports. Aunt Veronica has made nut rolls, so have one of the many cousins Anthony tune up the kazoo, and gather everyone 'round the fake fireplace for a holiday sing-along.
Jingle Bells
On orders from Art Rooney II, the Steelers changed offensive coordinators with the idea of running more and throwing more short passes. Reviews are mixed, although the quarterback seems to have voted thumbs down.
(To the tune of "Jingle Bells")
Dink and dunk, dink and dunk,
Try to move the chains.
Don't throw deep, don't take the risk,
Embrace the 3-yard gains.
Hey!
Dink and dunk, dink and dunk,
Always play it safe.
Never mind the angry look
When Big Ben starts to chafe.
Inching down the field,
Three yards at a time.
Waste a quarterback
Playing in his prime.
The system is the thing,
Doesn't make much sense.
The owner called the shot;
He thinks he knows offense.
Oh, dink and dunk, dink and dunk,
No need to throw it long.
Maybe it will work out,
But it all just seems so wrong.
Hey!
Dink and dunk, dink and dunk,
That's the brand new way.
It surely was a lot more fun
When players could make plays.
That time of year!
For the second straight season, the Pirates fell apart over the last two months and turned a year of great promise into bitter disappointment. This one fits for those hot days in August when hope is melting away.
(To the tune of "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year")
It's the most frustrating time of the year.
When pitchers start failing,
And hitters are flailing,
While fans start to cry in their beer.
It's the most frustrating time of the year.
It's one more lost year for this bunch.
With the strikeouts and errors,
They're just four-month terrors.
Who fold in the crunch.
It's the sorriest finish you'll see.
They just fade away
Oh, it's day after day.
And as maddening as can be.
It's the most frustrating time, you'll agree.
Tough for Pens fans
With unprecedented gains in revenue, the NHL decided to lock out the players to gain further financial concessions. They now risk losing another entire season.
(To the tune of "Jingle Bell Rock")
Lock 'em out, Lock 'em out, lock them all out.
Saving some cash,
Is what this is about.
We'll open up,
But we'll decide when.
They can get jobs
And wait until then.
Lock 'em out, lock 'em out, do it again.
Cancel the games
In bundles of 10.
Keep the doors locked
Until they cave in.
We just have to win.
What a bad plan,
It's the grand plan
To chase the fans away.
Power play time,
It's a real crime.
To shut it down so no one plays.
Mehno can be reached at johnmehnocolumn@gmail.com
